im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
