I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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