i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
