Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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