everyone is single if you try hard enough
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
