I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
