I murdered the dance floor call the cops
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
