the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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