my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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