You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
