either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sext me about skeletons
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
