I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
