I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
