I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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