Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
