wrigley field is MILF paradise
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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