I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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