You smell like a Billy Joel song
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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