I need to stop coming to work sober
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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