she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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