whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
