Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
