I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Will exercising make me less horny?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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