Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
