i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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