How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
