someone get that fucking seahorse.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Damn victory sex feels great
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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