Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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