I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
