so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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