I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
