Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
