Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Bring me that man meat
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize