Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
