apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
