At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
