dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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