I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
