take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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