Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
