oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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