i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
