he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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