Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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