I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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