I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
