I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
