News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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