When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You made out with two different species that night
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
