oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
