Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
