I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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