hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i've created a new STD.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
