Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just gargled with NyQuil
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
