A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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