Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
