the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
